When I first got into self-improvement and decided I really wanted to get laid a lot, I surrounded myself by guys on the net and in real life who’d slept with a lot of women. I used them as my motivation, my driving force to repeat what they’d done and push myself even higher than they had.
As I progressed further into my journey and found some initial success, something strange happened. All the mentors I looked up to started talking about settling down with their girlfriends; a few of them even got married.
This absolutely blew my mind. These were guys who were miles ahead of me – they could go out seemingly any day or night of the week and get laid with girls much hotter than I’d ever been with. They could do the craziest sexual acts with a new girl every night if they wanted, they could have 3somes and 4somes and 5somes if they so desired… yet all of them had settled.
I shuddered at that word. Settled. It conjured up all sorts of horrible imagery of guys giving up, putting up with a nagging girlfriend who could never compete with the wonderous allure of meeting a new, fresh girl every week and bringing her home to your bed to do all sorts of wild, kinky things.
Why had all these guys settled down? Why had they all given up? Why had my heroes forsaken me?
I swore I’d never be like them. I made a promise to myself and anyone who would listen that I’d never stop chasing pussy; I’d spend the rest of my life giving everything to the cause of getting laid.
Ahh, the hubris of naive little Andy – the Andy who’d barely even started getting laid – to think he knew better than the more experienced, more worldly guys he looked up to. What I thought was them losing their minds and becoming complacent and lazy was really just a natural consequence of getting enough sex; enough notches in their belts. They weren’t being lazy, crazy or stupid; they were simply focusing their time and energy on new goals.
And the ones who were still getting laid, relegated it to a “background goal”; something they put only a tiny bit of time and effort into each week, whilst focusing on their main priorities.
Having getting laid as a low priority seems like such a foreign concept when you’re new to all this. It seems utterly unfathomable that you could ever get to a point where you have sex without even trying; that sex comes so easily you actually stop caring about getting it. When getting laid is all you think about during ever millisecond of your existence, you can’t envision a world in which you have time or energy to think about anything else.
Not to mention when you’re a newbie, all you care about is sticking your penis in a vagina – no matter how much effort it takes. The last thing on your mind is whether or not you’re making efficient use of your time. As long as that dicky goes inside her lovebox, you don’t care whether you wasted 100 hours talking to her.
That all changes once you’ve gotten your fill of fresh gash – once you’ve had enough sex, you’re less compelled by the idea of spending 8 hours a day talking to girls on Tinder/out on the street. You start thinking of ways to cut down on the hours spent chasing lays, coming up with copy-paste messages you can use on Tinder, only talking to girls on the street as you go about your normal day anyway, and screening much harder for sex with girls so you don’t get strung along on 3+ dates with a girl who wants to friendzone you. You ditch any girls who “shit test” you, and instead focus only on easy-going, laid-back cool chicks.
And once you’re really done with the getting laid phase of your life, you start moving on to new goals. At that point, it makes sense to find a cool, chilled fuckbuddy (or two) to satisfy your urges while you work on your new missions – casual one-night-stands become pretty much a waste of time/resources.
I hit the point of “I’m happy with my sex life” about a year-and-a-half ago. I’ve got a girlfriend I see a few times a week for sex/companionship/roadtrips/ conversations/intimacy. We also share new girls together every now and then, as I meet them. I talk to 1 girl a day out on the street, and message a couple girls on Tinder every week with a copy-paste line that takes no effort. I barely have to think about sex any more.
Truth is, there’s about 100 things I’d rather do than go out chasing new girls. I’d rather:
- Build my coaching into a full-time business so I can quit my job.
- Get 8 hours sleep.
- Go to the gym.
- Get to 100 articles total published.
- Challenge myself by writing 5 articles in 24 hours.
- Watch a movie.
- Eat fried chicken covered in melted chocolate (don’t knock it til you’ve tried it, trust me).
Sex is the furtherest thing from my mind.
It won’t be forever – I know there’ll be points in my future where I feel that spur to go out and meet new chicks. I’ll inevitably have periods where I’m desperate for some new action. But right now it’d be detrimental to my current goals. I’m happy banging my girlfriend, and meeting a new girl every month or so. I’m happy not having to try.
By putting in consistent effort over the last 3 years, I’ve built a really efficient way to get laid that works for me. I get to have sex with a new girl every couple of weeks, whilst focusing on my main goals (writing for this site and building up my coaching business). I never thought I’d say these words, but sex is no longer the focus of my life, and I’m happy that’s the case.
If you’re in the “I must get laid/find a girlfriend at all costs” stage of your life, what I’m about to say will sound utterly insane to you, like I’ve gone off the deep end:
Eventually, you’ll settle too.
What I mean is, at some point, chasing new girls will lose its allure. Don’t get me wrong: sex will still be incredibly fun, as will chasing new girls. But you won’t feel desperate to go after it any more. You’ll have moved on to new goals, you’ll be on a new mission – you won’t have time to go out and hit on 100 girls.
I’m not necessarily saying you’ll settle down with 1 girl and be monogamous – for some guys (like me), that’ll never be the case. In that case, you’ll have one or two loyal fuckbuddies/girlfriends, and meet new girls every now and then, whenever the opportunity presents itself. But you won’t be out 7 nights a week spending 90% of your waking hours thinking about and chasing sex.
I know all this sounds utterly insane to many of you… it did to me years ago. “Andy, you’re nuts! I will NEVER get sick of chasing new girls. I’ll always want to seek out new experiences.”
I used to think exactly the same way about all of my idols who’d slowed down or given up their quest for new muff. I thought they were just being “lazy” by getting into long-term relationships. I was confused… how could sex ever stop being as much of a desperate need as it was for me at that point in time?
Thing is, this chasing girls thing was never meant to be your number 1 priority for the rest of your life. After all, isn’t the entire reason we push ourselves to get laid so we can get to a point where sex takes no effort, and we don’t spend every minute of every day stressing about hooking up?
A few mates and I have talked about this subject a tonne over the last couple of years: we don’t believe you’re supposed to chase girls forever and amass a massive notch count (eg 1000+) without eventually starting to form longterm bonds with girls. Part of being human is bonding with other humans, and that most definitely includes the girls you have sex with.
The pickup-artist Roosh V is the perfect example of the harms of not growing out of your “chasing girls” phase. He pushed it far past what can reasonably be considered healthy for the human psyche. He’s banged god knows how many women (1000?) and all that experience just seems to have made him more bitter & disillusioned – it’s left him very frustrated (hateful, even) towards women.
After a certain number of women, there’s not much left to gain from banging more, other than a bit of fun and perhaps an interesting story. My mates and I would argue after a certain lay count, you run the risk of doing yourself harm if you just keep racking up notches without bonding with the girls. You’re training yourself to not care about people you have sex with; training yourself to keep a hard outer shell & not get close to people you’ve been intimate with.
Because if you have a tonne of sex, it’s inevitable you’ll come across a number of girls who blow your mind and make you fall in love with them. When that happens, you’ve got 2 choices – either fight it & keep things casual or break up with her so you don’t get “bogged down” by a relationship with her, freeing you to keep racking up a huge lay count. Or you can take a leap of faith and try a relationship with the girl.
Choosing the former – keeping her at arm’s length or breaking up with her – trains you to fear intimacy. It trains you to run from normal human connection, because you’re worried if you get too close to a girl, you’ll become lazy and complacent and not go after your goals (getting a huge lay count). The danger is that becomes a powerful habit you find very difficult or impossible to break.
You also can’t keep chasing the same thrill and rush you had when you were first starting to get laid – when sex is new and novel and exciting. It’s natural that over time that thrill will fade. If you fight against that and keep trying to relive your glory days, you’ll be like a heroin addict chasing their first high – no girl you ever meet in the future will match up to the first few you met when you first started getting laid. We’re not meant to keep chasing the exact same thing over and over for decades on end.
It’s easy to say, “Sure, I’ll settle when I find the perfect girl – and I won’t allow myself to have a relationship until I find that perfect girl.” The perfect girl doesn’t exist though – every human is flawed, shitty, in need of a fix-up. If you’re always thinking, “I could do better than this girl” for every girl you meet, you’ll never find one who measures up to your impossible expectations – you’ll spend your life chasing a ghost.
I’ve got a future article in the works – “How to Pick a Solid Girlfriend” – but in short, you can do what I did and find a girl who’s 75% of what you want, but is also extremely into self-improvement. Over the course of a year, you support and push her to keep improving herself; essentially building her into your “perfect” girl.
As for when to settle – don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to force yourself to settle before you’re ready. It isn’t something you need to consciously think about. And you definitely shouldn’t settle with a girl who’s below average. All I’m saying is, once you’ve gotten your “getting laid” stage handled, you’ll find yourself naturally starting to form longer and longer bonds with girls, without realising you’re doing it. You’ll want to keep girls around for longer and longer, and you’ll be less inclined to have casual, throwaway sex. Eventually, you’ll end up with one (or two, or three) girls you see for several years or longer – again, without you consciously thinking about it.
If (when) you feel the urge to build something with one main girl, don’t fight it. Don’t mourn for the loss of that initial excitement of chasing girls; nor for the “newbie energy” you had at the start. Be grateful you’re at a place where sex comes easily to you, and use your newfound free time and energy to start planning out your next goal.
Really want to hit a point of contentment with your own sex life, but have absolutely no idea how to get there? Message me for 1-on-1 coaching and I’ll write you a personalised action plan to get you started.