Gather round, kiddos. Andy’s going to tell you a story that happened 3 years ago.

It was late one Sunday night, the stars were twinkling, the normies were sleeping, Andy was checking out OkCupid on his phone. Suddenly, a wild Asian girl appeared:

part1

And so, it begins.

Ok, enough talking in third-person. So you can see this girl was super forward right from the beginning (heads up, a girl being that aggressively forward while sober is a HUGE red flag – something I wasn’t smart enough to know at the time. Since then, literally EVERY girl who’s ever been that forward and said she wants sex (as the FIRST thing she says) has had mental issues.)

In my youthful naivety, I invited her over. She drove 2 hours to see me (another red flag… what girl drives 2 hours on a Sunday night for sex with a stranger she’s barely said 10 words to). We start fucking (I wore a condom), it’s pretty good. Then, the madness begins.

About 5 minutes into the sex she suddenly slaps her forehead as if she’s just remembered she left the oven on. She goes “Oh crap. You know, I forgot something. There’s something I forgot to tell you.”

I pull out, take off the condom, sit across from her on the bed and say, “What?”

spongebobHerpes

Yep, that’s what she said. “I have herpes.”

Ok, at this point I freak out – mostly because of how psychopathic it is to pretend you “just forgot”, and then randomly remembered during sex. I tell her to get dressed and get the fuck out of my apartment.

I stand there waiting for her to get dressed, and she starts going off on this long rant about, “It’s not that big a deal that you have herpes now, it’ll be ok. It won’t affect your life much, you’ll be able to live a normal life.”

“Hold on. What the fuck do you mean now that I have herpes? Who the fuck says I have herpes? There’s not a 100% transmission rate; diseases don’t work like that.

“It’s ok to be in denial, that’s perfectly normal when you first catch a disease. I know you’re stressing and panicking right now about what the rest of your life will be. Don’t stress. Herpes won’t ruin your life, you’re still the same person.”

I got chills down my spine. Her delusional behaviour was terrifying the fuck out of me, so I kicked her out. The fact she was talking as if was a solid fact I now had herpes was fucking deranged.

The second she was out, I sprang into action. In my irrational, panicking, not-thinking-clearly state I figured the best course of action would be to cover my dick and groin in as many cleaning chemicals as possible. I gathered up a massive collection of things, took them into the shower and scrubbed like mad. Including (I’ve probably missed a few):
– isopropyl cleaning alcohol
– dishwashing liquid soap
– laundry detergent
– tea tree oil
– olive oil
– tabasco chilli sauce
– floor cleaner
– regular soap
– sex toy cleaning spray
– window cleaner
– anti-fungal cream
– boot polish

Basically, if it looked like something that cleaned, I used it. Hell, as you can see I even used a bunch of random shit that had nothing to do with cleaning; such was my state of frantic panic. I scrubbed until my skin was red raw and bleeding. My entire dick and groin and balls felt like it was on fire. At the time I knew I was being over-the-top and a little insane, but I figured, “If I do everything I possibly can right now, then I’ll be able to say I did all I could to prevent catching herpes.”

I hopped out of the shower, chilled out for a while with an ice-pack on my dick and groin, then went to bed.

She blew up my phone over the course of the next day, sending me messages on OkCupid and text. Again, she was delusional, talking as if I already had herpes, rather than “There’s a chance you might have herpes, so go get tested.” She never even mentioned getting tested – she thought I already had the disease from 5 minutes of intercourse with her.

part3

The conversation above is the FIRST time she even mentioned the test, but it seemed like an afterthought – she was mentioning “the first round of antivirals” in the same breath. Nutbag.

I knew I should block her number, but I was legit getting freaked out by some of her texts (you’ll see below). So I decided to let her keep messaging me and keep all the texts/emails as evidence, if needed.

Even more freakish, the next day she drove 2 hours to my place to buzz my intercom 20 times then leave a bag of fucking food outside my door. Of course I threw it in the bin incase it was poisoned.

Crazy texts.

Crazy texts.

Check the last message in the screenshot. She somehow found my photography work and this is when I started getting a bit more freaked out. She found my email a week later and sent:

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Bare in mind all of this is without me replying to ANYTHING she said. I completely ignored every single message she ever sent, I gave her nothing back, and yet she kept messaging me. Insane. It was like she was having conversations with herself.

6 months later, when I’d completely forgotten about her, she made a new Facebook account (I’d blocked her other one) so she could send me:

17-July-2016.jpg

The crazy bitch even changed her Facebook profile pic to one of my photography photos. Even today, it’s still in her photo album (I unblocked her temporarily to check):

Untitled-1

Moral of the Story:

If a deal sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Women, generally speaking, do not make the first move – and sure as hell not in such a crass, forward, “Let’s have casual sex right now” way. It just doesn’t happen like that in the real world, not with sane women.

Any girls that are that forward in their FIRST message, turn out to have mental issues/no impulse control/etc. I, and all of my mates, have not found a single exception to this. I’ve got several other stories like this (it took me a couple more crazy girls to learn my lesson for good…) I’ll talk about them in future sometime.


So did I catch herpes?

Ask ur mum, lol.