Truth time: The “dating game” really fucking sucks at the start.
When you haven’t had as much dating success as you’d like, you care so much about reaching your goals, whilst desperately trying to avoid any possible rejection. Every time a girl turns you down, it hurts, like a knife to the heart. Every little infraction a girl commits – every time she doesn’t do exactly what you want her to do – can feel like a personal assault on you, like she’s trying to crush your hopes and dreams.
It’s easy to become frustrated and even disillusioned over your lack of results, especially when you’re first starting out. That frustration and desperation to just get laid can build up in a whirlwind of anger and torment that you just want to hurl at somebody else so you don’t have to keep it all inside.
As the rejections build, as your frustration grows, it’s so easy to start adding up every time a girl doesn’t give you what you want, keeping a running total of how many times you’ve been “screwed over”. It’s tempting to tell yourself, “women as a whole are all doing wrong by me.” A friend of mine, nicknamed Bad Idea Bear, said it best:
“You blur them all together, instead of recognizing each girl isn’t responsible for the sins of the previous girl.”
I was the king of doing this. I used to take pleasure in doing what one girl had done to me, but doing it to a new girl. I had multiple people tell me, “Don’t mistreat a girl just because you were mistreated by another.” Bloody good advice.
But did I listen? Of course not – I was young, dumb, and full of cum. Me taking my frustration out on other girls only ended in me being even more frustrated – it didn’t solve any issues and in fact just made me obsess more about the negatives. As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I got more and more swept up in, “Every girl is deliberately trying to annoy me”. I kept count of how many times I’d been “wronged” – even including stupid things like “This girl said she has a boyfriend” or “This girl wanted to wait til date 3 before we had sex”. In my quest to find every example of a girl screwing me over I fell victim to confirmation bias.
- I’d ghost girls – often for no reason – just so I could feel powerful and in control. “Other girls ghosted me, but now I get to ghost this girl. I win!” .
- I’d intentionally wait a couple days to reply to a girl’s texts, telling myself, “Other girls have taken days to reply to my texts, so it’s fine if I do it.”
- I’d taken pleasure in rejecting a girl, giving no consideration to how she felt because, “Other girls didn’t care how I felt when they rejected me.”
- A girl would open up to me and tell me her feelings, and instead of empathising with her vulnerability, I’d robotically say, “I don’t give a damn about your feelings”. If a few girls in the past hadn’t cared about my feelings, I was justified in not caring about any girl’s feelings, right?
- If a girl didn’t give me what I wanted (her number, a kiss, sex, etc) instead of being mature and saying, “That’s fine, I can’t tell you what to do” I’d feel “wronged” by her, like she hadn’t given me what I was “owed”. I’d take out that frustration on the next girl, intentionally withholding something she wanted – so I could feel I was “back in control” & not a “victim”.
You’ve likely done some of these things yourself. Most of us have at some point.
I’d often rationalise it to myself as, “I’m just fucking with her, it’s all good” or “I’m just trying to entertain myself”. But what I was really doing was annoying or even hurting someone just because someone else had annoyed me.
It’s important to take a step back and ask yourself, “Is a girl not giving me what I want really a big deal? Should I be angry just because a girl decided not to give me her number?” I know it’s frustrating when you reaaalllyyy just want that number, and 20 girls also just rejected you & didn’t give you their number. But take a deep breath, let it go, and try not to get too frustrated. This is supposed to be fun, it’s not a life-or-death battle.
On a similar note, you have to realise that not getting your way is very much part of trying to get laid. Pickup-artists and dating coaching will try to sell you a rosy reality and tell you “If you just say/do the right things, you can win any girl!” The cold hard truth is: you’re going to get rejected far more than you’ll ever be successful. For every 50 girls you talk to, you may only have sex with one of them (or none of them). Rejection – and not getting your way – is very much part of the process.
You also can’t expect each individual girl to do what you want, or even to behave rationally. People (especially women) are emotional, erratic, have their own agendas and wants and needs and hopes – they’re not always going to do what you want. Sure, you’d give anything for this cute girl you’re talking to to give you her number… but sometimes (most of the time) it just won’t work out that way. Best thing you can do is move on and go hit on more girls.
The long-term cure is, as with most guys’ problems, to get laid enough that you start seeing women not as your enemy but as just other humans. You’ll come to realise women are exactly like us – sometimes with even more pain, doubt, fears, insecurities than we have. No, I’m not saying you have to be Mr White Knight, protecting all the poor women’s feelings. But you don’t have to be the opposite – acting like a raging cock just for the “lolz”.
Life’s much more pleasant when you aim to be somewhere in the middle. Showing respect to girls who earn it. Getting rid of the timewasters/girls who don’t respect you. And treating each new girl you meet as if you’re meeting her for the first time. Because you obviously are – you’ve never met this girl before, even if she’s “just another woman”. Don’t tar her with the same brush as any bad apples you’ve run into in the past.
Don’t punish the many for the actions of a few.
The Pickup Artists/”manosphere” would debate me on most of this. They have a concept of “AWALT” – All Women Are Like That. They use the concept to show similarities between girls – to the point where they claim there are no unique women. Supposedly all women are exactly the same and all want exactly the same thing – essentially to selfishly use men & then cast them aside once they’ve leeched them dry. Many times I’ve heard the phrases, “all women will fuck you over” and “don’t worry about how you treat a woman, because she’ll eventually leave you for an alpha anyway”.
Sure, if you’d like to live your entire life being unable to trust 50% of your fellow humans, then go for it. Hell, I used to be like this myself, years ago. I really didn’t like women; I actively distrusted them. I spent too much of my time either paranoid a woman was out to get me, or I focused my efforts on trying to “beat her” and “win” some imagined battle I was in with her.
And I really regret it. Not just because I was a douche to a tonne of women for no reason & treated them all like the enemy. But because it hurt me as well. It’s so painfully obvious I was acting out of insecurity, out of pain from all the times I’d been rejected. I had confirmation bias – I was actively looking for bad women who’d rejected me (even if they were ultra polite and kind with their rejection), and dismissing all the nice ones I met. If you asked me about the nice ones, I’d have said, “She doesn’t count, she was just pretending to be nice”. And then I’d rattle off a list of the last 20 women who’d been “crappy” to me.
Nuts. Totally nuts. Sure, I’d been rejected, ignored & hurt by some women before. But the next girl I walked up to was a fresh new girl. She hadn’t hurt me, or committed an infraction against me – she hadn’t done anything wrong. But I treated her as if she was part of some group (women) that were all trying to frustrate me or something.
If you’re in a similar boat, pause for a second. Ask yourself:
Do I want to be a person who brings positivity into the world – someone who’s a force for good? Or do I want the world to be a shittier place for having me in it?
If you know your answer to that question is the former, but you’re struggling to just let go of the frustrations you’ve experienced with your dating efforts so far, get in contact with me and let’s do a coaching session. We’ll talk through what’s been holding you back, what your goals are and what would ultimately make you happy, and I’ll give you a step-by-step plan of action to get you there.